Dessert Anyone?

I recently heard about an article called “41 Ways to Melt a Woman’s Heart.” Strangely enough, it was published in Men’s Health magazine. Not strangely enough, it was written by a woman. I believe this woman has also written advice for Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. I imagine her past articles have been titled “27 Ideas for Keeping your Elves Inspired While Paying Them Minimum Wage,” “32 Ways to Hide Money Under the Pillow While Avoiding the IRS,” and “63 Methods to Break Your Painted-Egg Addiction”. For many women, the following article fits into this fairy tale category. But I have faith that there are men out there, somewhere, maybe just North of the Bering Strait, who have followed through on most of these suggestions…and continue to act upon them several years in. For all the blog readers, please pass this on to all the men you know. Even if they followed one-third of this advice, the world would change forever. Men, write these ideas on the bottom of your shoes if you have to. If you are married, you will get dessert with dinner tonight. If you are not married, you will be married and get dessert with dinner tonight. (I took some of the expletives out – go to Men’s Health if you want the full article) I of course added my own response to each suggestion in italics. Here is the following article:
“41 Ways to Melt a Woman`s Heart” By Nicole Beland 1. Ask her to dance. grab a glass of wine or two if you have to 2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth. yes, wayward strands…it really is that simple 3. When she’s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk towards her as soon as you see her. we are excited to see you 4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep. this is an innocent gesture that could lead to more 5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family. duh 6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by. just start making it a Pavlovian response – “you see boobs, you grab her hand” 7. Call her when you’re feeling sad. but don’t let the phone call go South 8. Kiss her eyelids. haven’t had that one yet – I guess it could work 9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child. agree 10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower. I feel like this is an act of selflessness – always a good thing 11. If she’s crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately. duh 12. xxxxxxx this website is PG – go read the full article 13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names. but obviously don’t sound like a parent – this one is a little strange 14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl. or for my generation – create a great itunes mix – yes we still love the mixes even if it isn’t on tape anymore – what matters is that you took the time to do it 15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it. my favorite 16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car. shouldn’t this be the other way around? I think the structure of this sentence makes it a little creepy 17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does. duh 18. Send her something in the mail. Anything. if her love language is giving gifts to you, reciprocate and remember – dessert 19. When she’s feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is. do this frequently 20. Call her just before you get on the plane. yes 21. Pick her clothes up off the floor. ha – 22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she’s feeling down. love this one – laughter is the very, very best – we fall in love even more 23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game. ha – 24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back. but make sure you wash your hands – I know how that goes… 25. Shave just before you see her. She’ll notice. we love smooth skin 26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard. and then revert back to number 19 27. xxxxx sorry 28. Give her jewelry. duh 29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.) brilliant 30. Ask her specific questions about her work. details are great 31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand. or dark chocolate, or wine, or champagne, or salsa, or… 32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her. love it. 33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up. or just don’t screw up 34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire. magical 35. xxxxxx. giggles 36. Read her a story when it’s her turn to drive during a long road trip. or pop in an audio CD – let’s be real 37. Offer to fix something at her place that you realize is broken. with a tool belt on, please 38. Notice when she’s wearing something new. but don’t ask when she bought it, how much, if it was on sale…. 39. xxxxx revert to full article 40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies. it will make them jealous 41. If she’s too stressed to want “dessert”
… a. Run a bath for her. b. Give her a full-body massage. c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.
I have conversed with Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny in regards to this article. It was a unanimous vote to rename it “The 41 years it will take to change this Fairy Tale into a Reality.”